In preparation for our Hawaiivacation, I have been experimenting with self-tanners. I did everything right – I showered, exfoliated, shaved, moisturized and waited 10 minutes for it to sink in, then veryverycarefully applied the lotion/foam/towelette but I still have blotchy ankles, bright orange toe-knuckles and an overall complexion similar to my Irish Setter. Not exactly the results I was hoping for.
Although not as bad as that time I tried a spray tan.
Because Ross’s experience was the only reference I had, I went in very nervous, and completely obsessed with turning at the right time. So terribly fixated on that one point was I, that I missed the instruction to stand at the back of the booth. You know, where they have two unmistakeable footprints painted on so that only a complete idiot could possibly misunderstand where you should plant your feet.
So when the spray started, I was positioned directly in front of the nozzles – which means that instead of receiving a soothing, gentle, diffused mist, the solution hit me like lasers slashing all over my body.
It hurt! So I screamed! Then it got in my mouth! So I panicked and opened my eyes! Then it got in my eyes! And then it was full on stumbling, shrieking, wall-banging, naked chaos. I was like a cat trapped in a cardboard box.
When the spray finally ended, I emerged from the booth of hell panting, eyes watering, my body criss-crossed with haphazard lines of tanner. I tried to rub it in, but my eyes were stinging and blurry, and I was shaking from the trauma of the experience. When the tan developed, I was pasty white with giant orange streaks, blobs, lines and spots. People literally slowed their cars to laugh at me on the street.
Anyway, I got brave and decided to have a go at the safer-than-sun faux-glow in the safety and comfort of my own home. And as I type this with my carrot-hued fingertips, I thought a mustard-coloured recipe was very fitting for today.
It’s a really quick and easy weeknight meal that I love. I use the same sauce on baked ham or pork tenderloins. Just equal parts mustard and honey (which you can substitute with maple syrup or brown sugar) and onions. So simple and yummy!
Honey-Mustard Pork Chops
- 1/3 cup dijon mustard
- 1/3 cup honey
- 1/4 tsp kosher salt plus more for pork chops
- 4 bone-in pork chops about 3/4 thick
- freshly ground black pepper
- 1/2 medium onion thinly sliced crosswise
- Preheat oven to 450ºF. In a small bowl, whisk together mustard, honey and salt. Season pork chops with salt and pepper on both sides and arrange in a baking dish. Spoon honey-mustard mixture evenly over both sides of chops, then top with onions. Bake for 10 minutes, flip chops, then bake for about 10 minutes more, or until pork reaches 145ºF with thermometer inserted in thickest part. Allow chops to rest for 5 minutes before serving.